Once upon a time (all stories are supposed to begin this way) there was this guy named Simon. Simon is a magician, so he likes to create illusions, like making it look as if something impossible happens. He’s been fooling around with faking reality for almost his entire life, so he knows where its boundaries are. In fact, he crosses those boundaries so frequently that he has a passport that’s valid on both sides.
Simon also has a fertile weird imagination. In fact, that’s where a lot of his magic ideas come from. But one day, back in 2003, he let his guard down, and his imagination took hold — and I walked out of his bedroom closet. He looked down at me — since I’m only 2 ½ feet tall — and asked, “Who are you?” And, since at that point in time I didn’t have a hard hat with my name on it, I answered, “I’m Mergel Funsky. Who the hell are you?” He told me, “I’m Simon. I’m the guy who’s imagining you.”
And we’ve been buddies ever since.
Simon says I’m supposed to introduce myself to you, which is dumb because you’re not here. But if you use your Imagination, you could be. So that’s your job. (If you don’t use your Imagination, you might as well visit Amazon.) So, assuming you’re imagining me, “Hello, there, it’s me, Mergel.” (The “g” is pronounced hard, as in “gurgle” or “burgle.” If you pronounced it “soft,” like Merjel, that would make me French, and then we’d have to translate this entire page. But I am not French. I am a proud American, and in fact I ran for President in 2004 and in 2016; historians universally attest to the fact that I didn’t win.) And even though Simon performs magic — and I occasionally help him — I am not an illusion! No way. I am a real imaginary guy. Simon knows full well that I am imaginary, I know I’m imaginary, and now you know it. So we are all on the same page (namely, this one. Which, happily, is in English).
Now that we’ve been introduced, I will give you a bit more background, because I’m one of the most interesting imaginary people I know (or at least more interesting than a lot of real people, like Simon). I’m a bit hazy on what I did before Simon imagined me, but after searching for my roots I think I might be related to the Munchkins, or to the 7 Dwarfs, or anybody else who’s imaginary and is about my height. My birthday is March 4, so you should immediately enter that date into your calendar; unfortunately Simon is a dumbhead and forgot to imagine any specific year of birth, so on each birthday I just pick a different age for the next year. (When I ran for President I made sure to pick an age of at least 35.)
Monopoly is my favorite game, and I make Simon and Ginny, his wife, play it whenever each of us has a birthday (which is at least once a year). Simon actually made me a giant Boardwalk deed, so I am now the permanent owner of that property, for all the games we play. Ginny complains that gives me an unfair advantage, but she is a cautious, real-world lawyer, so she nitpicks over everything Simon and I do. She’d probably foreclose on my Boardwalk, if the rules allowed it. Simon also drew a giant Get Out of Jail Free Card, which we keep inside our car; if some donuthead cop ever stops us, Simon plans to hand it to him. (Ginny is actually afraid he might). As you can already tell, Ginny and Simon are very different. For instance, Ginny is a really good cook, while Simon burns whatever he puts in the oven. (He did that to my chicken pot pie, and I haven’t fully forgiven him.) But the two of them complement each other, because they have a very workable division of labor in their lives: Ginny is in charge of reality, and Simon takes care of everything else.
Since I’m imaginary, people sometimes have trouble seeing me (I can’t even see myself in a mirror). This creates problems socializing, so in 2005 Simon taught me Photoshop, so I can draw pictures of me, the way I look in Simon’s imagination. (That way I’ll be able to recognize me, if my mirror ever gets fixed.) I have been drawing the world from my imaginative perspective ever since, so I virtually live in Photoshop. Like all great art, my pictures have lots of little details and occasional “in jokes” buried in the background, so you’ll see a lot more if you view my art on a “real” full-size computer screen, instead of seeing it on a tiny little phone.
I am an expert on many topics, chief of which is EATING! I presented my Nutrition Lecture to some of the world’s most famous imaginary people. If you learn nothing else from my pictures (and many viewers don’t) you should definitely remember my six major food groups: Pickles, Pizza, Lamb Chops, Chicken Pot Pie, Marshmallows and Orange Juice. A balanced diet of just these six foods will provide each day’s minimum daily requirement of fun eating. Once you’ve had your fill, you won’t need much else.
Finally, you probably noticed my hard hat. That’s because I’m a famous contractor, specializing in pretty much everything, because Simon is a klutz and busts things, which I then have to fix. Since I’m into marketing, if you ever need any construction projects handled, think of Funsky Construction. You’ll be happy you did – if you have a good imagination.
I will try to update this website periodically, but if you like what you see here, you might want to join my Friends of Funsky mailing list. (Don’t worry, I don't sell, rent, or share my list with anyone, unless they’re imaginary. And you won’t be deluged with mail because I don’t send things out very often (Simon’s not that creative). But it’s sort of a private list, so I don’t let just anyone join.) You can write and ask me about it (see the Contact page).
So, that’s me, in a nutshell.
And now we all live happily ever after (all stories are supposed to end this way. Besides, this is imaginary).
Copyright 2017 Mergel Funsky